Conquerable Self

The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. A different perspective about departure and arrival times do you not agree?

• We are so afraid to change careers, to end relationships, to outgrow people or places... but that is just growth. Choose to go toward the cracking in order to keep expanding, let the light shine through.

Sometimes what you are looking for comes when you are not looking at all. The mind is a powerful force. It can enslave us or empower us. Learn to use the power wisely. Because sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you have been buried, but actually you have been planted.

There's an old saying "that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I don't believe that. I think it is those very things that try to kill you make you angry and sad.

Strength comes from good things - your faith, your family, your friends, the satisfaction of a good soul, rewards of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole. Those are the things that you hold on to when you are broken.

Never sacrifice your #character, your heart, and your #family. If you don't stand for your #convictions, you cannot stand for anything at all.There is so much lacking and need for speaking from the heart, we are all living testimonies.

I know I have not been diligent in blogging because my life is as inconsistent as you could possibly graph the heart monitor of someone in ICU. But life is not just about recording it right? You are suppose to live, experience and make it a life you want to actively participate in. I told myself it is my social responsibility to this blog and to myself for the wonderful things taking place in my life. I cannot guarantee I am going to have a defined tone for this post, but I do enjoy this as a means for sharing vicariously through this platform.

I have always held the belief that if you strongly want something, the universe will conjure everything possible to give it to you. So when you get the vision of what you are, you do not necessarily have to make things happen but provide a way in which they may happen.

For the last year, I sometimes wept with rage. Why did my body quit me? Why was I forced to prick my fingers and monitor my carb intake? Why did I have to take #insulin and hide the bruising from my needle injections? Why am I sick? Why was I paying out the ass for medication I need to survive? It was so damn unfair. Bloody hell.

Here is the long and short of it. There is no why. You do not have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you are holding. I have carried the weight of my Type 1 diabetes and Graves’ disease diagnosis for over a year now, but I have not been defined by my diabetic identity.

I do not even know what a diabetic identity is. Do you? What is a diabetic identity?

Here is what I learned. Let me share a little directness. I am going to speak bluntly out of #compassion, not #judgment. I give myself regular reminders to stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess it is exactly what you are stuck with if you cannot get some perspective on the matter. It is a threadbare cape you can wrap around yourself composed of self-pitying half truths and it absolutely will not serve you.

No one is going to do your life for you. You have to do it for yourself. Whether you are rich or poor, out of money or raking it in, the beneficiary of ridiculous fortune or terrible injustice, no matter what sad, sucky things have befallen, you have to do it no matter what is true. Self pity is a dead end road. You make the choice to drive down it. It is also up to you to decide to stay parked there or turn around and drive out like a bat out of hell. I am an educated adult of sound mind, able body, and resilient spirit who has absolutely no reason to quit life. As I have said repeatedly, we can all do better than give up especially on ourselves.

My illness has changed my life for the better, though it took me awhile to understand its worth. It gave me faith in my own abilities. It offered me a unique view of worlds that were both exotic and familiar to me. It kept things in #perspective. It pissed me off. It opened my mind to realities I did not know existed. It forced me to be resilient, to sacrifice, to see how little I knew, and also how much. It put me in close contact with people who made my life big and contributed to its greatness. Some days we can conquer the world, other days it takes hours to convince ourselves to shower. And some other days, friends love you more than expected and it becomes the best love story ♥

Vodka Martini : Mini Lobster Roll Slider

♥ Overthinking is the biggest cause of unhappiness. Keep yourself occupied. Keep your mind off things that do not help you think positively. Let people do what they need to do to make them happy. Mind your own business. Do what you need to make you happy!

When in doubt, happy hour. Or in my case, order the entire menu and enjoy good company.

#freshoysters #tinygirlbigappetite #eatprickworkout #happyhour #delishcarbswithcuteboy #diabeticfoodie #supportlocal

bon_vivi_ant_eats • Cocktail: Vodka martini l Carb Count: 0g • Appetizer: Chilled Blue Pearl oysters l Carb Count: 0g • Location: Blue Island Oyster Bar & Seafood - Lone Tree, CO

** Nutrition facts are estimates only**

• Appetizer: Knuckle sandwich (mini lobster roll slider) l Carb Count: 34g

Toxic Levels

You will never have my permission to close yourself off to love and give up.

• Live a life that lifts you up and supports your healing, radiate love

• Location: Carlsbad, CA

I wear my heart on my sleeve, it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I have realized how important it is to be an enthusiast in life. No matter what it is, when you go at full speed and embrace things, hugging it and loving it, being passionate, you gain power, passion, freedom, and joy. Lukewarm is no good.

When most people think of toxic relationships, people who are cruel and uncaring immediately come to mind. However, loving relationships can be toxic to you. While they love you dearly and have many good intentions, they are in essence toxic because they force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They are not inherently bad people, they simply are not the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. You cannot destroy yourself for the sake of someone else despite how much you care.

So often in relationships, we forget that our wellbeing is a priority. You are not a terrible person because someone breaks up with you. Leaving does not mean you are incapable of real love or that you will never love anyone else again. Simply the terms have changed for one particular relationship.

There is nothing wrong with my ex-boyfriend Myles. He was not perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him only a month later to be diagnosed Type 1 diabetes and Graves' disease. I knew I loved him holding his hands in a hospital gown and bare faced after a month dating. I knew I wanted to marry him on a rash and romantic impulse sitting in his kitchen bar stool catching a look. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and I believe absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him too. He was my best friend, my sweet lover, my guitar-strumming, romantic goofball, road-tripping captain, the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music collection, and daddy to my 60 plants. He is a good man with a kind heart and gentle soul.

I was not enough.

I say that over and over and over again until the tears have washed away. I am so shattered I broke my own heart. I am talking about making a considered choice about your life. Telling the truth about oneself and living out that truth is being brave. Being honest. Being real. It is also being heartbroken.

Breaking up with someone I care so deeply about was very painful. It is a shock to be separated from the very person to whom one has clung to for so long, so tightly. You hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet space. It involves a lot of crying too. I needed to create a safer space for myself, one where I did not invite sadness, resentment or anger inside....but an empty space that will allow the love that remains to give me the healing to move forward. You have to be brave enough to break your own heart.

There are some things you cannot understand yet. Your life will be great and continously unfolding. It is good to work hard to resolve childhood issues. It is great work to resolve adult trauma including a devastating heart break. Understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years, most of things will have to do with forgiveness. For me, I learned that my gut instincts are always right. Loving someone well can also mean letting them go and loving at a distance. My heart is my biggest asset and one that I lead well, using what I learn from relationships as a potential template on how to live my life, how to love others very well, but more than that, to have greater self love and value my own worth.

Never give up. Never. You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, and to find that type of love.

It is there for you.

Every last one of us can do better than give up. Especially on ourselves. Especially you.

The journey you take to find love is not going to be average. You have to walk in the darkest of woods without a stick. You have to be brave. A lot of people will leave as a romantic partner. That is okay. You do not need those people. By stepping aside, they have done you a favor. Because after the departed, what you have left are the old souls and the true hearts. These are the people worthy of your love. And you my dear are worthy of them.

You will be transformed the same as love transforms us all. But you have to be fearless enough to let it transform you. The romantic hot monkey love is possible if you allow others to see your beautiful vulnerable interior. If you put your best self out there with as much transparency and sincerity and humor as possible, you are ready to give and receive love. Inhabit the beauty that lives in your body and strive to see the beauty in all others. As Buddha wisely noted, only three things matter - how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. Believe that the fairy tale is true. We get to decide who it is we allow to influence us. So thank you Myles ♥